I will always be… (part 3/3) Life of a man

21yo-28 yo

I have never been an angel, and, OMG, how much I have disrespected my parents with my way of saying things and not really care about who I would hurt with my words. In my head, was me against the world. I had to survive.

And, sometimes, or actually at specific times,  we all need a slap on our faces to wake up to reality and move on. I got the one (or maybe two) that I needed, right from that Doctor I had just met. He not only brought me back to life, he brought me to reality. I was reborn.

I decided to move on. Take a few weeks in my parents home in the countryside, organise my 21st bday in the bday party in a bar in the capital so, in that way, I could say cheerio to all my close friends at once. One of them was moving to Italy, and I asked my parents to go with her and if they would support me. It wasn’t easy to leave the country, but it was necessary.

I put in my head that nothing ever would let me down that way again: what people thought of me, expected of me, judged me without knowing me. The years that followed, I decided to cut strings with anyone who would fall in that category and, oh boy, the list is vast. I decided to stop smoking and drink. I also decided to become assexual, not allowing myself any involvement, any feelings towards another guy. My plan was to find myself and be enjoy every moment of it.

So, I went from studying computer engineering in Brazil, to possibly study architecture in Venice, to no studies at all and work in a hotel in Oban. Serving those ladies, dance with them, getting a kiss from pretty much all of them, and oftenly questioned: why do I smile so much? The answer for that is simple: I’m alive.

My sister, my family, couldn’t believe I had ended up in a 10000 small town in rural Scotland. It could not have been more contradictory of my personality. My sister (or sisters) didnt believe I had given up smoking and drinking from 2005-2008, until she met me and actually seen it. My mum & my dad could not have been more supportive and understanding. And probably one of the things that make me cry a wee bit is knowing I have missed the teenagers years of 4 of my nephews and nieces already by not being there.

However, there is a great side of it: I moved from housekeeper to Duty manager in 6 months I was working in the hotel. That was also my first ever paid job. Amazing making some bucks to spend on Dolce & Gabbana or Emporio Armani 🙂 I had an amazing couple who thought me almost every department of the hotel. So I decided to keep within the Hospitality sector. This time, I never wanted to be the best in every department: I wanted to get to know every department and meet the best people in them, and learn with them.

In probably every job I had, I could count on a “kick-ass” boss and, to be honest, all of them probably hated being called or treated as “the boss”. They were just fantastic at what they did and so embracing with my strange accent, my crazy laughs, my way of thinking. They have contributed to mould me on the professional I am today.

From housekeeper, to bar, to porter, to duty manager, F&B Manager, receptionist & reservations, asssistant f&b, wine boy, restaurant manager to judge for the Scottish Hotel Awards: I had a ball, trust me! I was surrounded by people who admired me by whom I am and always will be. People who didnt judge me. Ok, sometimes I could see on their body language they were judging me a wee bit, but that’s fine: I do the same. It’s nature.

I travelled, I lived in staff accommodation, I shared flats, I made mistakes, I laughed, I joined the Voleyball team in Oban. I fell in love once (needless to say it wasnt successful). This one, after chasing me twice, decided that he didnt want a relationship. Two weeks later he was in a relationship. But the rebel in me became a bit active: he kind of caught his boyfriend giving me a BJ under my kilt in the middle of an after party. Yeah, I can be a prick. Twice.

No, no, no, no, don’t phunk with my heart.

So, I will leave the story about there, 2011. And I have been questioned the reason behind exposing periods of my life with so many details.

This is the past, where I learnt, I lived and I can’t change. Even if I tried. And I don’t really want to.

My main reason behind is to show that life is not a pot full of sweets, but what is sweet for you? I can always wake up in the morning and be grateful for what is out there for me. And pull my sleeves up and work for what is not there yet. Whether is work in my mind, going to the cinema, travel, kissing someone, flirting with another, or the actual physical activity to go into a place to work & earn money.

We can always choose to see facts through a different angle, as Jodorowski once said “birds born in a cage think flying is a disease”.

Try to see things from a different perspective. Love. Comprehend. Help where needed. Be kind. Look at their eyes. Make a joke. As my Bixa/little angel, who I met back in 2010 once said:

a bit of a flirt + a bit of innuendo + a bit of smut = great night 😉 xx

Make that into a daily dose of aspiration.

What I can say, all in all, is: I don’t accept homophobia as an excuse to try to put others down. Firstly, because my role in society nothing has to do with what I do sexually with anyone else. Secondly, because up to now you probably didnt know that I tried suicide several times because of homophobia. And thirdly, I will fight to not let other people go in the same way I did.

So, some people might see the ‘sharing my life’ as a sign of weakness. And I can tell them: I have never felt stronger.

And if I can stop one teenager, who might be going through the same thing right now, or anyone who might think there is no light in the end of the tunnel for depression, it’s mission accomplished for me.

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul. I can build tunnels and the put the light, or the buckets of white paint, wherever I want.

Enjoy the pics 😉

D x

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